


Welcome to Grim Vale

by matchsticks_p (matchsticks)



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Comedy, Crossover, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 02:06:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchsticks/pseuds/matchsticks_p
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Grimshaw as the dj who hosts Welcome to Night Vale, and Harry as the scientist with perfect hair. That's it. That's the story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome to Grim Vale

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the resemblance between these lovely famous [Cecil/Carlos cosplayers](http://31.media.tumblr.com/8b586d35310cc8d20479a6316f678c2a/tumblr_mrcph4ArqL1sdfb0oo8_250.gif) and these [idiots who wang on about spinach feta pies on Radio 1](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma9g0cTYiv1r8pk2do2_250.gif).

Good eeeeeeeeevening, and welcome to Night Vale, everybody! I'm your host Nick Grimshaw, and full disclosure: I am a little bit drunk. Big night out with my friend, the fourth hooded figure to arrive in town, because it was his people's equivalent of his birthday. Is it politically correct to say his? I s'pose we don't really know if he's a he or what, maybe they don't even 'ave genders, who knows. Anyway, big night out for us, good fun. I'm obsessed with the hooded figures. Obsessed. And now I can reliably tell you that all the hooded figures are fans of that wonderful genre of trance. Very into Sound Fiction last night, they were. [klaxon]

Anyway, it's time for the community bulletins. The City Council would like to remind everybody that the dog park is open for the rest of summer and you are still not allowed to take your dogs there. There's a little asterisk next to this announcement, and then a footnote addressed specifically to me, saying I need to stop taking my dog there. It was only the once or twice or three times, and it's not my fault if Puppy decides she absolutely needs to hunt the glowing radioactive frogs in the pond in there, is it? Maybe if you didn't want dogs in, you shouldn't have made it so appealing for dogs. She hopped the fence, I had to climb in after her, skinned me knees.

Harry, the scientist with the perfect mop of curly hair, dropped by the studio earlier to deliver a curry along with his science report, which was nice of him. He didn't bring his team of scientists with him, so I couldn’t sneak a glimpse of that unnaturally beautiful one with the eyelashes, Zayn, which was a shame. This curry is really good though, and he brought poppadoms with it, which basically means I'll have to marry him, don't it? My producer is nodding frantically yes. I don't think that's in my contract, producer Claire, I don't think you get to choose my spouse. Anyhow, perfectly coiffed Harry says that all the calculations this week show Night Vale should be under about ten feet of water, according to the barometric something or other and humidity and oxygen levels...it all sounds a bit boring, don't it? Can I just skip reading out the rest of this report? Who cares, really? ...Producer Claire says I can't, so now I also have to tell you about the exciting updates in levels of irradiation [klaxon]—it's high. Still high. And sommat about a fault line shift opening a portal into an alternate dimension where everything is exactly the same only crabs have four limbs and no claws and humans have eight limbs and tiiiiiny pincers. 

Hey, do you think we could turn the science report into a feature? I could get some of my pals in to read it instead of me, like some famous guests. I've asked Example to do it before, he said he'd be in. That'd be good, wouldn't it? Strong feature, Science News with Elliot off of dancey rappy house music. I think Harry would like it, his research would be presented with more gravitas if it was read by just about anyone else other than me. [pause to giggle]

Alright, it's time for the weather. Tonight it's brought to you by the Fake Blood remix of the Calvin Harris remix of the T Williams remix of the new Raf Daddy record feat. Joe Goddard.

[heavily skipping drum and bass for seven minutes]

And there you have the weather! That's it for tonight, really. I've got nowt else to say. I'm legally and contractually obligated to remind you that angels do not exist, and Lady Gaga fans also do not exist. [voices off-mic] What? They don't! Neither exists and if you find yourself tweeting either of those things, please stop immediately and get help. Tune in next time for more very important news about the town, 'cause what else do you have to do, really? It's a desert wasteland. We'll have Example or Connor Maynard or a cool pal like that in as a guest. Now I have to sign off and go to bake a pie, because I've invited Harry the scientist 'round mine for late dinner. It should be mega lol, because the only ingredients I've got in my cupboard currently are flour, gin, and some yogourt? Enjoy the delicious gin and yogourt pie I'll be making, Harry! Good night, Night Vale! Byyyyyeeee, bye bye bye bye bye.

_Tonight's proverb is: Me said you don't know me, me say you're not sincere, so catch you fire like I'm rollin', yeah that's how I'm rollin', me I go smoke you clear, me hope you have a reason, a really good reason before we pop off pop off pop off._

**Author's Note:**

> (the proverb is a reference to a song by Maxsta called Pop Off that I remember Nick liking, but apparently it's so obscure that you can't even google for those lyrics, so then I got paranoid about no one getting the joke, and instead I killed it by explaining it. ☹)
> 
> Written for maresanctum. Not even the most niche-interest thing I've written for maresanctum.


End file.
